Everything happens for a reason ♥

Lmaooo you are bat shit crazy. So bc i didnt say i loved you back yesterday and you felt dumb for writing dumb things on my ig you went and got drunk last night and started drunk ig commenting this poor girl. Don’t make her fall in love with you unless you plan to catch her. And don’t cheat on her. Stop hurting good girls feelings!

Delete my phone number, erase my pictures and forget my name. You will NEVER change and i can see that so clearly now. You’re dating someone yet texting me and telling me you love me. Get over yourself. You are nobody to me anymore. I used to cry over you and overanalyze your every word. Now I feel bad for anyone dating you. Because I know they’re only about the have their hearts broken.

Can’t ever stay faithful can you. An you’re a pig for sleeping with this poor girl and she’s wearing your clothes and you’re texting me! If I were her I’d want to know but it is NOT my business who you’re fucking and how they’re letting you do it.

Deuces. Till the next time you text me some crazy shit.

Nov 22

How many times will I give out second chances to undeserving people? All because I’m still waiting for my second chance with you.

I can’t believe I just had this epiphany after all this time. I’ve finally met a nice normal man and I still keep going back to every asshole that ever hurt me. Why?

Why do I feel like I deserve to feel pain or be punished. I never did anything wrong to John yet I still feel like I deserve to go through punishment. Actually that’s a lie. I wasn’t a good person. I wasn’t always emotionally faithful because I always wondered what else was out there. I couldn’t believe I could be so happy and have such a perfect relationship. So I had to go fuck it up.

He will always be who I compare everyone to and he will always be the one that got away.

I hope for the day I get a second chance to be with him but most of all I hope I stop punishing myself in the meantime by continuously feeling defeated by relationships and always forgiving the wrong people.

Nov 17
Hard to Concentrate

I ate at the burrito place today. We even sat at the same table where we once sat when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I had to actively concentrate on trying to not think of you. But the more I tried to resist the more I wanted to text you. I really thought I was actually going to too. I’m honestly not sure why I didn’t. Pride maybe? Perhaps mixed with the constant heartache and sprinkled with the tiniest amount of hate. Yeah that’s probably what it was. And the fact that I would only be fooling myself if I were to get back on that merry go round. After all I’ve accomplished so much without you around.

It has been a month since we spoke yet I still can’t seem to date anyone else. I can’t believe how much you’ve unintentionally changed me. Perhaps the next man will be thankful you broke me the way you did because when I put the pieces of me back together although they still fit they didn’t quite mend the same way.

Two years ago when John and I broke up I went out every night to get my mind off of him. But not with you. Because even when I’m trying to not think of you I still do. Irrelevant things always seem to remind me of you. Hair salons, puppies, anything Colombian, cigarettes, tattoos, all the ginger babies I’ve been seeing on every corner like they’re goddamn Starbucks. Weren’t gingers supposed to be like a rare breed? And to top it off all the happy couples that I’ve been seeing everywhere. It’s almost like they’re showing off their love on purpose.

I’m praying for the day I don’t turn down a date with someone because of you. I don’t want to be alone forever. Although I am more focused on myself and its amazing all the things I’ve gotten done while you haven’t been in my life. In the meantime ill be thinking of you even though I don’t want to.

May 19

I miss the days when I would get to work and you’d already be there waiting for me with a smile. We’d walk in together have a miserable day but in the end we’d always walk out to go home together. I’d drive back with you to your apartment and we would get dinner at the corner burrito place. Never a silent dinner and always good conversation. And then we would watch hours of the walking dead. We usually had to watch the same episode twice or keep rewinding because we just couldn’t keep our hands off one another. That’s when I knew I loved you. I didn’t even think to admit it or ever say it out loud. I wish I would have now. Although I’m not even quite sure if it would’ve made much of a difference.

That burrito place was also the same place you asked me to be your girlfriend, officially that is. That was in August. It was our third month dating. But from what it seemed like you already loved me in March. You didn’t want to ask me to be your girlfriend that way but I ruined it. You wanted to take me home and meet your mom then go to the zoo in Philly so we could take the a hot air balloon ride and you could ask me out that way. I ruined that by forcing you to wait. Truth is I wish I would’ve just let you be as romantic as corny and mushy as you wanted.

It’s been well over a year since we met and just over a year since we started dating. I can’t help compare my life now to how it was with you then. I was happy. And even though I wouldn’t be happy with you now I miss it more than ill ever admit it.

May 18

I can’t sleep. Your sister texted me tonight. This wasn’t the type of text I’m used to. It was like a bad breakup text. Something along the lines of “You’re great but we can’t see each other anymore” except she had no reason of her to not speak to me…not any reason she came up with at least. God knows what you said to make them finally block me. They both said no matter out relationship status that our friendship would stay the same. I was not only stupid to believe it but I should’ve known it was coming.

I don’t have any siblings so I’ve never been in your shoes. I don’t blame you though because if its hard enough for me to forget you without anyone trying to remind me I can’t even imagine what it must be like to have your family mention me.

I didn’t want to cry. I still don’t want to. But it hurt me. Because as unhealthy as it may have been I liked seeing an update on their lives because it always made me honk of you and reminded me of you. Which of course is always like ripping off a bandaid at a glacial pace. Slow and painful. But maybe I’m a masochist because even though it hurt it feels better to have something of you than nothing at all.

I shouldn’t be thinking like this. But now even work makes me think of you. Every time I have work in the city my thought process goes like this “if only we were still dating I’d get a whole week with you every night” because I know when I’m in the city working and when I’m not.

As much as I want to text you and call you and yell at you for how much you’ve hurt me I never follow through. Because the thought of putting my bandaid back on just to let my wound heal a little longer only makes me realize how much worse its going to hurt when it actually has to come off.

I can’t sleep nor can I stop crying. I’ve lost more weight than I gained. Something’s got to give. I pray to anyone willing to listen. Just give me some peace of mind.

May 14
Ripping off the bandaid

It still hurts. Why? And when will it stop already? Every time I think I don’t have any tears left to cry over you, you prove me wrong. Im crying.

I don’t want to care. And I don’t want to love you. I want to hate you so that I never ever have to think of you anymore. So that I never have to feel jealous when the expected finally happens. Who knows how long you waited this time till you had another girlfriend lined up and ready to go.

I’m not the problem I know I’m not. You always complained I had such a wall up. This is why. I never wanted to feel like this again. I never wanted to be hurt again.

I don’t know where I lost control. I was so stupid and foolish to think that you’d really stick around once I let you in. That was my mistake. But my biggest mistake was loving you more than I loved myself. I let you call all the shots and make all the decisions in my life. That should’ve never happened.

We were always destined to fail if I really think about it. I can’t even think of hold someone else’s hand without feeling uncomfortable. You held hers, hers and now another girls. The worst part of it all is that while you held everyone else’s hand you still never let go of mine.

Just like how you let me sleep next to you and lay with you in bed while you faked it all. You faked crying you faked the i love yous and you even faked your apologies.

I’m hurt. And I don’t even know how time will heal me. But I sure hope it does because i don’t know how much more of you I can take. Someone please tell me when will it stop??

May 11

I’ve started 5 separate texts addressed to you..and I’ve erased them all. Every time I think about texting you I remember why I haven’t in so long. I don’t even know what to say because you once said so yourself, if you really want to you know just where to find me. But you haven’t tried nor will you. And I’m learning to cope with that. Especially when I see you “rocking photo shoots” with your “ex gf” give me a fucking break.

My heart sinks to my stomach and feels like its guna fall out my butt. I used to allow myself to feel like that for hours even days. But at least you’ve taught me to bounce back quicker seeing as you often do things to make my heart drop. And not in the good way.

May 5

In the last year and a half I have lost 4 friends. As upsetting as each death may have been the reality of life’s cruelty only made me realize one thing. How precious time is.

We spend so much time worrying about little things that never end up making a difference in the end. Those stupid little fights and the little things that just simply don’t matter.

My friend lost her boyfriend of 8 years yesterday. Their last conversation was a fight. My heart absolutely breaks for her because I can’t imagine the guilt she must feel.
That was the first thought that came to mind. You were the second.

Exactly a year ago today you finally mustered up the courage and kissed me while I was helping you pack. You were moving out of your apartment that was nearly walking distance from my house! Oh the irony. I thought of you because our last conversation never sat well with me. I was so angry and so hurt and so upset. It’s been almost 2 weeks since then.

You’re talking to her again. And I can’t tell if it made me more angry or upset but I never told you either way. Not even when you texted me. I ignored you for nearly 2 weeks. I needed you out of my system so I didn’t have to feel the same shitty way I always feel after giving in and texting you.

But this was too important not to tell you. I never wanted to leave off on a bad note with you. As full of shit as you are I must be even stupider for still loving you. Now and always.

May 4

Who looks like the dumbass now? what is it with him that can turn girls into such hypocritical blind bats. i am also referring to myself when I say that of course.

You’re chasing someone who left you to go back to me and when i took him back i was a “dumb bitch” and whatever other clever insults you came up with on public websites. Now that the shoe is on the other foot not only does he look retarded but he has yet again publicly “dogged” me. i am mad, obviously. If YOU only knew the shit he said about YOUR crazy ass. i cant even be bothered.

You two clearly deserve each other. I wish you guys nothing but the best. Go get his name tattooed on you and overwhelm him by being too clingy and affectionate. Make him feel like a man. And then run back to your dumbass ex boyfriend and you and carlos can dog each other like a bunch of bitches because I am so sick and tired of letting him ruin my life. Tag you’re it bitch. Enjoy! ;)

Apr 29
Passing the torch

April fools played a cruel joke on me this year. Actually I did it to myself more so than anything else. You even told me I would only be hurting myself more. This is probably the only thing you’ve said that I can trust your word on.

How can two people who don’t speak and caused each other so much pain still be able to spend a day together, without fighting. Are we both insane? Have we both lost our minds? Or are we just both good at playing pretend? Ive come to the conclusion I wasn’t pretending, because as sick and twisted as it may seem I still care. Ew. I’m embarrassed to even admit it and ashamed because I’m not strong enough to resist him.

I’m trying. SO hard! It’s nearly impossible to move on when you love someone so much. I have tried convincing myself I didn’t ever love him, I didn’t ever care and I didn’t ever want him. Its all a lie. We’ve both lied except my crime is clearly not causing any pain for him.

It’s even harder to try to ignore him when he’s saying everything I could ever want to hear. “I’m not having children unless they’re yours…We will work out if not now maybe in a year or so when you move back…I’m just going to work and focus on myself for the next year while you’re gone” he says. HORSE SHIT! I believed him too. “Little ginger babies with big butts” I ate up every single word.

The worst part was that i let you hold me. Sleeping next to you felt normal and safe like it always did. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! How can my heart be so deceiving? I swore I hated you and I swore I would never ever let you make me feel good again because the second I let you in is the second you can hurt me, again. But there I was laying next to you and it was the best I had felt in weeks if not months. Every time I moved you moved closer and held me tighter because the thought of not being tangled up in each other felt uncomfortable. You were sound asleep yet when I tried to get up you’d pull me back in. It was like an unconscious reflex you had. Perhaps you have a hold over me not because you actually want to or you care to but because it just comes naturally for you to be possessive of me.

"Because I am obviously not over you and I can’t stop thinking about you and the thought of you being out and alone for guys to talk to you pisses me off and I know I am in the wrong place to say this but it is how I feel. I know what you ave to say about this. Go ahead and say it I already know I am an asshole I cannot help it I still get jealous of things I don’t even see. I just picture you out there being beautiful and I know there is no way every guy isn’t trying to be with you I am an asshole and I’m learning to live with it."

I believed you. Shame on me for letting you fool me…again.

Apr 4
april fools